Fears
by futureprez40
Summary: Nikita has doubts, and this time they are about her and Michael. Before 2x06
1. The Unknown

"_I love you" he mouthed._

"_I know"she had said._

The memories flooded her mind as she lay awake next to Michael that night. They had succeeded in saving Cassandra and the little boy who she now knew was Michael's son. Watching his pained expression when he thought that they had died in a car bomb, thinking that it was his fault and that he had failed them, had been painful. She knew that he felt what she had felt when she saw Ramon's house blow up just days before. She knew that if anything had happened, he would have blamed himself. He would have walked away from Nikita right there and then afraid of committing, knowing that everyone he has ever cared for is put in danger for being with him. And she was scared. Scared that he would walk away now, even though the mother and child had both survived, because if he ever found out that the little five year old, Max, was really his son, he would stop at nothing to be a father figure. It pained her to lie to him and she knew that at some point he would find out. But it was the thought of losing him, letting him walk back into Division's faults that hurt her most.

She felt Michael as he turned on the bed, angling his body closer than it already was to her own. She turned herself to look into the face that kept her alive. The one she enjoyed waking up to every morning. Slowly she lifted her hand and softly with her thumb she flattened the crease on his forehead, no doubt that he was dreaming about the incident from that night, reliving the moment's right before the car blew up. When his face smoothed, she saw Michael, the young Michael who told her everything, he didn't seem as tired or afraid anymore. He was happy in his dream world.

She found herself wondering if he was dreaming about Cassandra, about raising a family with her and being a dad again. She didn't notice that tears had begun to escalade down her face. She had asked Michael if he still had feelings for her, and although he didn't reply as fast as she would have liked, he had told her that he loved her. But the words just weren't enough for her. She wanted to know that he would leave her, not after everything they had been through.

She was lost in her little daydream, playing back through all the events of the pass few days. Her mind lingering on the image of Cassandra running into Michaels open arms. His arms tight and strong around another woman. Though he swore there was nothing going on, she knew that he couldn't deny the fact that he once had a thing for her. It could be resurfaced at anytime as well. Her thoughts scared her deeper into her nightmare, before long she could feel the first streaks of daylight drifting in through the window. Slowly she stood up to go to the bathroom. Staring into the mirror she saw a totally different person. A girl, who was uncomposed, a complete mess. The stranger in the mirror looked like she had been through hell. "Pull it together Nikita, you are stronger than this" as she repeated her mantra the door to the bathroom opened.

"Nikita?" Michaels tone sounded worried as if he could read her mind.

Wiping her face once more before turning back around, she glued a fake smile onto her face and turned to look into the eyes of the man she loved. "Morning." She walked over and placed a quick peck on his cheek, he immediately wrapped his arms around her and after kissing her softly in her hair, he looked down.

"Nikita… what's wrong? You look like you haven't gotten any sleep." He was extremely worried, afraid that while he was asleep she had been hurting herself with the thoughts from the past week. It had been hectic and he knew he had hurt her with his actions around Cassandra. But he loved Nikita, and only Nikita. And knowing how fragile his damsel in distress he could be, he had tried to remind her many times. He knew that the thought of his leaving would pain her even more, and he reminded himself to let her know that he would never leave her. Especially since she was his family, his only family left.

"Nothing, Michael. I just… I love you." Before he could say anything she pressed her lips to his urgently and kissed him with a fierce intensity, he couldn't stop himself. His response was second nature, clinging her even closer to him, molding their bodies into one. Before long they found themselves tangled, like a silent game of lover's twister. He forgot everything else in the world, and his brain was painted with her smile, her eyes, images of Nikita, and ONLY Nikita.

"I love you too." He said before he found himself preoccupied again.

**A/N: So last week's episode of Nikita literally left me crying. The moment he let go of her hand… I just wanted to skip to this Friday. I hope you guys like my story, I had it finished but just didn't have a chance to upload. It's a one shot though so hopefully it's a good one. And for those who have been asking, my twitter is loveoverduty923 still trying to get it up and running **

**But anyways hope you like this story !**


	2. Deja Vu

It was quiet; all he could hear was the steady heartbeat of the woman he loved. Who he hoped felt the same way about him as well. But thinking back to the past few days, a part of Michael felt that he had lost Nikita.

Glancing around the room he couldn't help but wonder if the past few days had been a dream, a nightmare really. Everything had been déjà vu.

Cassandra had showed up in his life and feeling his inner Nikita take over, he felt the need to go to Belarus and take her out of the mess he as a Division minion had left her in. He knew the moment he chose to go save the damsel in distress that wasn't meant to be his, that he would get himself into an emotional web of lies. He had absolutely NO feelings for the victim of a mission that had taken place 6 years ago, but deciding to help her out might have sent mixed signals; especially to Nikita, who felt betrayed when she found out about the old mission.

In Belarus, Cassandra had shown up with a little boy. For a moment there, Michael was excited, thinking that it was his son and though he regretted it now, he was disappointed when the woman announced that the boy was only four, that he wasn't his. Hiding his disappointment he offered Cassandra helped which she declined at first. Eventually she agreed, and with Nikita's help they saved the mother and child.. But not before almost losing them to a car bomb.

He had lost Elizabeth and Haley to a car bomb 10 years ago and the image still haunts him to this day. The feeling of almost losing yet another mother and child, although they weren't his family terrified him.

Michael was brought back to reality when he felt Nikita turn, laying her head on his chest. He knew he had hurt her and this mission probably scared her. But she had put on a brave front acting as if everything was no big deal until last night. Replaying the images, he couldn't help but feel as if he was at fault for the tears that covered her face when he had found her in the bathroom. He remembers waking up to find the bed beside him empty, and walking in to the bathroom to see Nikita crying her eyes red. When he had asked what was wrong, she brushed it all away as if it were nothing. Deep down, Michael knew that it had everything to do with Cassandra. But it was all in the past now and he couldn't do anything to change the mission and its results.

He adjusted his position on the bed, careful not to awaken the damaged goods in his arms. He loves Nikita. He has never felt this strongly for anyone. The love he felt for Elizabeth was real but this new love he has with Nikita, is beyond his dreams. Thinking back to everything the two of them had been through, nothing would make him leave her. Not even the forces of nature.

And he knew that one day when they had taken down the black ops program where the met years ago, they could settle down and start a family. Maybe have some kids when all the danger was past.

He could wait for that day, he could wait… or at least he hoped he could.


	3. Waiting for the verdict

The truth had been eating away at her for days now; she couldn't seem to be close to Michael without thinking of Max. Nikita knew that Michael could tell something was on her mind, and she wished so much she had the strength to tell him. But it was hard, hard for her to tell him when there would be consequences, she didn't want to lose him.

But after Division tricked her into believing that she had a father, and after she saw the lengths Michael went to, to help her find him, she just couldn't lie to him anymore. She had told Richard things that she could talk to no other person about, thinking that he was her real father, but then the truth was revealed and she realized she was in yet another Division trap.

Michael almost died because of her mistake, and knowing that she almost caused little Max to not have a father figure, hurt her. Especially when she thought about her own past. Growing up in a foster home, with no clues whatsoever that could lead her to her real parents, was hard. She hated being in the house, being mistreated and having no one to love her. She would never wish it upon anyone. Although neither Max nor Michael knew the truth yet, she couldn't stand the idea of Max never meeting his real father. So ignoring the pleas of Cassandra she decided that it was time to let Michael know.

It was the day after they had lost their home; Birkhoff had just driven off and left her and Michael alone. The feeling of guilt, of knowing that because of her desires that they had lost their one home, made her want to curl up in a ball and cry her eyes out. They had finally found someplace safe but now it was gone along with her hopes of ever finding a home.

Turning her attention back to Michael she couldn't help but reprimand herself aloud. "Should've known better. Should've known better than to believe that my real fathers alive." She paused, swallowing down her guilt. But it didn't work. "I almost got us killed. I just wanted a home so badly that I lost the one we had." She looked towards where Birkhoff had just driven off, thinking of how they had intruded his life and put him in danger as well."No we are nowhere."

Before she could say anymore, Michael interrupted. "Hey, you know that I was right there with you, if anyone should have seen things clearly it was ME. I wanted this for you too." Her insides were warm, knowing that Michael cared enough for her to want her to receive things she never had as a child. "Your real father might be out there. If you want to go looking for him again we can do that." At that moment, she felt her insides boil with guilt once again. Knowing that he would do anything to help her, yet here she was hiding secrets from him.

"Can't deny you something I want myself." She knew where this moment would lead to, but she was prepared. She wanted him to know, even though it could lead to a broken heart. She was ready to make the sacrifice.

"What are you talking about?" Michael was genuinely confused. She could tell, the wrinkle had once again formed on his forehead.

Taking a deep breath, she began what could be the last words Michael would ever want to hear from her. "I didn't shoot Richard back there for revenge Michael. He knew a secret a secret he could take back to division."

"And this is what you almost told me before isn't it?" Michael wasn't clueless, she knew that he had spent hours probably wondering why she was becoming distant. This has been the moment he has waited for.

"I was just trying to protect you. But I…" She couldn't find the words to describe her screw up. She knew it was wrong to have kept this information from him. Trying to hide the tears she calmed herself down enough to continue. "Back in Belarus when I was with Max… he told me his birthday. He was born 9 years after your mission." _This is it_, she thought to herself. The moment she has been dreading for nights now. "Michael you have a son."

Michaels face lightened up, it hurt her to see the smile form on his face. She wanted nothing but to run, to run as far away as she possibly could, to never have to see his face ever again. But that would hurt more. This pain is nothing compared to the pain she'd feel if they separated. But he wasn't mad, which was a good sign. The smile was erased as the words probably finally sunk in. She felt the hand that had been holding hers fall limp. The tears were coming quick now but she wasn't going to make the choice any harder for him than it already was.

She didn't know how long they stood there, Michael thinking and contemplating everything in his mind, Nikita watching her lover closely, waiting for any signs that he was going to leave, preparing herself for the guilt and hurt that was going to haunt her forever. Who knew that after years of being apart, they'd finally come together to be ripped apart again. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Michael looked Nikita in the eye and opened his mouth to deliver the verdict.


	4. Sense of home

**ENJOY . :D**

I could picture the little boy in my mind, whom Cassandra said was only four. I remembered the shock and happiness when I had first saw him. I've missed having a family, but then again having Nikita and Birkhoff has been more than I could hope for. But the idea of having another child was what I didn't want to give up. I wish nothing more than to have had the chance to take my little girl to birthday parties, be there to comfort her during her first heartbreak, to escort her down the aisle at her wedding. But all those dreams were impossible now, she was gone.

The words Nikita had just spoken finally sunk in. I have a son. Max, was god's way of giving me another chance. Another chance to redeem myself as a father figure, and protect my flesh and blood. The feeling of happiness disappeared just as soon as it had set in. I was glad to finally know the truth, yet the truth was tearing me apart piece by piece. I felt as if my heart had been torn into equal yet unequal halves, and nothing would ever repair the damage that would result from the choice I would have to make. If I chose Max, my son…- just the sound of that word made me smile- I'd lose the love of my life. But if I chose Nikita, then I'd never get to take care and be the father figure for the five year old boy. The conflicting emotions were closing in on me, I could feel all the walls built of pressure trapping me in. The decisions, flood of memories with Nikita and even Haley, they left me indecisive. My future was beyond obscure to me and I was terrified of making this big of a decision. Yet I knew with every passing second I was only hurting Nikita more and more.

I could tell that she was fighting back silent tears. Tears of hurt, of betrayal, and I wanted nothing more than to reach over and pull her in. Hold her and comfort her, reassure her and let her know that I love her more than life itself. The silence was growing, becoming louder and louder as we both just stood there, unable to communicate like usual with our eyes. In fact, she wouldn't even look me in the eyes now, which only broke my heart some more. Finally after quite some time of tension and silence, I decided to speak up.

"How long.." I had to clear my throat before continuing. "How long have you known?" I was pleading her with my eyes, asking her to tell the truth, but I know her. She'd never lie to me.

"Since our last day in Belarus. Cassandra told me and I'm not pushing the blame on her, but she had told me not to tell you. And I didn't want to, afraid that Division might find out. But I know now that I was wrong." I could tell from the way that she had finally looked up at me and looked me straight in the eyes that she was telling the truth.

"Nikita.. I just. You know I love you and only you right?" Her silent nod was enough for me to continue. "but that 's my son out there, and although a part of me wishes that he weren't alive to complicate things, a even bigger part of me is glad to know he exists. I want to be a father, and this is giving me a chance to finally pursue that position again. I want a family again. And trust me when I say I want one with you." She was looking away and I noticed the silent tears that stained her face. It was a bullet through the brain watching her react this way, watching the strongest woman I know break down right in front of me. Reaching over I pulled her chin up to look me in the eyes. "Nikita look at me, please?"

Unwilling at first, she very slowly opened her eyes to look into mine. The pain that I saw in them, the pain of knowing that she might lose me, only made it harder for what I had to say next.

"Look…I… Max is my son. And I want to be there for him. But at the same time I want to be with you because you are the one thing I cannot live without. You are the air I breathe and I want nothing more than for us to be together. Cassandra may have not wanted me to know but I am thankful you told me. Nikita, we're going to make this work out. I promise. Believe me, I don't want to leave you either." I felt like I was begging her to understand which was selfish of me. She should have the right to decide for herself how she wanted to go through with her part of this… complication. But the idea of losing her, hurt more than a bullet through the chest. I just can't bare the idea.

"I… I want you to make the best decision for you." I know that Nikita loves me and her statement only confirmed my thoughts some more.

"I want a family with you. And the other day when I thought you were…pregnant," I had to pause a second even though I was afraid of making the situation awkward. "When I thought.. that. I saw our life flash right before me. Getting married on some beach far away, the birth of our child, growing old together, I wanted it bad. I only want those things if its with you. But I am going to be the dad I never was for Haley and Max is giving me the chance right now. But this does not and will not mean a goodbye between us." I never got my chance to finish because before I knew it, her lips were pressed against mine. Urgent for reassurance, urgent for me to prove the words I had just spoken.

As we kissed, I made myself a promise. No matter what happened, I was not going to leave Nikita, and no matter what I am going to be Max's dad. The only thing was I still hadn't quite figured out how to do all of it. But no matter what, I know that Nikita was always going to be on my side. Pushing me to do what I need to, even if it hurts her more. And that was what drives me crazy about her. Slowly we pulled away from each other, both silently taking pleasure in the moment of knowing that we had each other. As the sun began to set, over the trees, I pulled her in, wrapping my arms around her, leaning my head against hers, breathing in her scent, taking a picture of the moment.

We stood there for the rest of the afternoon, occasionally glancing at one another, before we finally decided it was time to head out. To find our new home, but then again, home is where the heart is. So we were already there.

**A/N: THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS AND ADDING THIS TO YOUR STORY ALERT. I am glad people have liked this story, its really hard to write… and well I've hit quite a few writers blocks. -.- I don't know if I should continue but if I do it shall be soon :] **

**YAY Almost Friday ! **


	5. Domino Effect

**Nikita POV**

Days passed and although Michael was physically there with Nikita, a part of her knew that he wasn't fully emotionally there. It was all backed up the night she got back to their temporary home to see him flipping through photos of Cassandra with the little boy who was his son. A pang of jealousy hit and she found herself stepping out of the room so she wouldn't overreact.

Michael loves you, she told herself. He only has pictures of Cassandra pulled up to look at Max. He feels absolutely nothing for her. Yet the more she had to repeat her mantra, the more she doubted the truth of it. Nikita knew that he would have to leave her at some point, to meet Max. But she was thankful that the time had not yet come.

**Michael POV**

Michael found his mind wandering and thinking about the five year old son that he now knew was his. He wanted nothing more than to rush back to Belarus to meet him, and ask Cassandra why she never told him the truth. Yet he didn't want to leave Nikita. He found himself searching online for photos he could find of Max, careful to only do so when Nikita was not around. He didn't want to hurt her anymore than he already had. One night, when Nikita had gone out to go grab some food, he found himself looking up information on how Cassandra's life was going on now. He was shocked to find out that the woman had taken his son and moved to London. Lost in his reverie he didn't hear the footsteps of Nikita who had just returned.

"Got a text from Birkhoff. He says he sent some photos of our new place. Its by the water. Did you get them?" I snapped back into reality and heard her as she was setting her bags down on the table. Without thinking I blurted out the things that had been revolving around my head for the past hour or so.

"Cassandra left Belarus. She says here she bought a place in London. Guess she wanted to get away during the government change over." I winced, realizing what I had just said. I was thankful when she replied anyways, no hint of any emotion.

"Yeah I don't blame her. " I could feel the tension coming off of her. I knew her well enough to know she was trying to act strong, so as not to hurt me. Turning around, I looked her in the eyes, hoping that the next few words I said would be processed correctly in her mind.

"I have to go Nikita, I have to do this." I knew this was what she had been dreading the last few days and I couldn't help but wish I didn't have to hurt her like this. But I begged her to understand the fact that I needed to go. It was temporary anyways.

"I know." I noticed how she had to look away and the guilt slowly began to spread through me. I was frustrated now, by how indecisive I was being ever since I found out the truth. I wish she could understand where I was coming from though. Know that I love her but I want to be there for my son.

"But you don't agree with me."

"It's none of my business." She said it nonchalantly, as if it didn't affect her at all. But I knew her; I could practically see her heart breaking piece by painful piece as we had this discussion.

"It's my son. I have a son that no one told me about. Not his mother. Not you."

I knew I had messed up just now, exploding and pretty much blaming her for all this stress. Blaming her for making the right decision to tell me. Blaming her for not allowing me to leave to see my son. I knew I was only hurting her more and the more I realized this, the more I hated myself so the angrier I became.

"Michael. Division is after us, if they know that Max is your son-."

"That wasn't your choice to make. Or Cassandra's"

"You're right. But don't make this decision out of anger. You say you want to go to London, that's fine. What are you going to do when you get there? Max thinks his father died two weeks ago in Belarus. What are you going to set him straight?" I knew that she was right, I needed to rethink all of it, find a better way to meet my son without changing all the things he knew.

Before I could say anything the constant beeping of our laptop sidetracked me. It was the last we had of that conversation that day, we were too busy finding a way to follow the tracks that Ryan Fletcher had intercepted for us. The next few days, we said little about the trip I would have to make to London. It wasn't until the day that Ryan died that I realized how much things between me and Nikita had changed.

**A/N: first off.. this line below this is annoying.. I have no idea how to make it disappear. But okay, here's another chapter that I hope you all enjoy. I'm currently working on the chapter after this where it continues with Clawback and eventually it will lead to the episode from last night. Which… I already started a fan fic for… feel free to check it out if you haven't. Thanks so much for the reviews and alerts! I enjoy writing for you all (:**


	6. The truth is i love you

The fact that she had drugged me really pissed me off. And to wake up and find her in danger of almost getting killed, only added more oil to the flame. The ride home was quiet, and the tension in the car was making the situation more complicated. I could feel the distance coming between us, as we continued the silence the whole way to the warehouse. I was so mad, actually mad didn't even cover what I was feeling inside, its just that Nikita never thinks and she almost died tonight. I wouldn't be able to live without her, I just can't lose her and I have no idea how to make it anymore clear to her.

As we entered the warehouse I couldn't help but lash out at her. The words tasted like bile in my lips, but I was too fired up and it wasn't until now that I regretted what I had said. I had used our relationship to threaten her to never act out in that way ever again.

"If you ever do something like that ever again, we're through"

My words were etched into my mind, and I knew that it had hurt her to hear them but I needed to somehow knock some sense into her. And at the time, that was the only way to do so. She loves me as much as I love her, and she wouldn't risk our relationship to do something crazy.

I knew that she that I had really done it, that I had hit the core, when I went to our bed to find it empty. She had set herself up on the couch. She was asleep, and even in sleep she looked tense. As if at any moment someone would attack her. Walking over, I grabbed the blanket off the top of the couch and draped it over her. Staring at her face, I noticed the tears. I sighed, and leaned over her face. As softly as possible, I wiped the tears away trying very hard not to wake her. I know how much stress she's always under, and lately we've been having issues. I honestly don't ever want to lose her, she's everything I could ever hope for, she's my soul mate. And sometimes her actions drive me insane because she just doesn't think. But I know she did it because she loves me. Love can drive us to do crazy things, but had she ever thought about how much it would kill me if I lost her?

I saw there on the arm of the couch for awhile, doing nothing but staring into the face of the woman I love. I don't know how long I sat there, thinking about my relationship with Nikita, but I realized that I wouldn't leave her or let this Max situation hurt our relationship anymore. I leaned down and kissed her softly on the head, picking her up I cradled the sleeping beauty in my arms as I walked over to our bed to lay her down. I'd take the couch tonight. As I got up, I felt a hand grab onto me, pulling me urgently onto the bed. I turned to see that I had awakened her.

"Michael, I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry.. " She was crying now, and I didn't need another moment to think before my lips crashed onto hers. Enveloping the both of us into our own paradise. Breaking away, I took a deep breath before telling her what had been running through my mind lately.

"Nikita, what you did was reckless.." She turned away shyly, probably thinking that I was going to give yet another lecture. "But I know you did it because you love me, we both know that I'd do anything even put myself in danger of getting killed to save you and you for me. But the thing is, we can't do that anymore. We're on the same team and we need each other to be able to complete our mission. I love you too, you know."

Her hands were soft and gentle as she caressed my cheek, I leaned into her touch, my eyes closed enjoying the feeling of skin against skin.

"I know, and Michael I promise I'll never do that ever again, it's just I was thinking about Max."

"Max…. he's my son, but he doesn't know that. You're right, he thinks his father is dead, I want to be there for him, as a father figure, but I need you to be there for me too. It'll be hard for the both of us, but we'll make it work."

"I know we will…"

The silence was filled with a passionate kiss, before once again I had to pull away.

"Nikita, I have to see him. I have to visit them in London."

"I know, and you should go alone. I'll meet up with Birkhoff and work on other things while you're gone." Her smile reassured me, and let me know that she was giving me her blessing.

At that moment, I knew that there was no one else in the world that I would ever share this feeling with. The feeling of real love. True love. I love Nikita more than anything else and that will never change.

I smiled.

"Thank you." And once again we found ourselves tangled in each other's arms, neither wanting to ever let go.

**A.N: okay guys sorry but my lifes in a really busy state…. So no more fan fics for a long time -.- might make up some chirstmas stuff during break if I get a chance but from here on out til probably april … (sad to say…) no more fan fics ):**

**BOOOO. Hope you've enjoyed it though.**


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